Another August Birthday Celebration

Last night was another August Birthday celebration – we celebrated my nephew turning two! Unfortunately Unkie Rob (as Jared calls him) couldn't make the trip to PA to celebrate based on some side work – but the gifts were still very well received…..or as Jared said…”presents..mine, mine, mine!”

Below are some photos from the night. Grandpop Hodo gave a Thomas the train engine and some clothes, Pop-Pop and Mom-Mom gave clothes, and Unkie Rob and I gave a “mocha-nanny” Jared’s term for motorcycle and some clothes. True to a two year old – the clothes were pretty much thrown aside and the toys played with immediately!

Anxiously awaiting the birthday cake!

Yeah - birthday cake!

Unwrapping his "mocha-nanny"!

Everyone needs a super-hero!

And even more Jack Daniels!

Another weekend, another birthday party and another supply of Jack Daniels to take home with us (though slightly depleted by the end of the day as we “fed the masses” during the party!!)

All that Jack!

I would definitely have to say that good times were had by all. Rob had the chance to hang out with friends we see often, and many that we haven’t had the chance to catch up with in quite some time. I asked him if his 40th birthday was everything he expected it to be and he told me that it was even better!! Of course we laughed about the fact that he really got a total of almost four birthday parties – between the two that I threw, the impromptu party at the bar the night of his actual birthday, and everyone celebrating with him all during the Jaycee Convention!

Yes - that is the birthday cake!

Rob and Kristen - "no relation"!

A Ray sandwich!

Rob with his godson - he's finding all of the grey!!!

Alec wanted to take pictures - Jen style!

So with his birthday celebration extravaganza over – it is time to start gearing up for some more fun and activity – tonight we are celebrating my nephew’s second birthday and this Saturday will be my own birthday celebration (turning 28 again!) though I am still not sure of the big plans other than to know that at some point I will be at the State Fair as is my birthday week tradition (cheesy and hokey and I LOVE IT!!!). And the activity is to get the house under control again – this year I didn’t quite get around to taking care of my lawn the way I like to, so the backyard is now no longer grass – more just weeds some crab grass and lots of clover!

On Sunday we actually decided to relax for a little bit after finishing cleaning from the party. Our original plans were to head to Waldorf to take care of some things – but I think after we went out to get our tents and help with final cleaning from the party we were both about ready to just collapse! I went to the cemetery for a while to take over my Sunday flowers to Chris and just to talk for a bit. It is very peaceful over there and is one of the few places where I can actually feel a little bit whole again. Of course Rob teased me about taking so many flowers over to Chris saying he is going to start wondering about him……that was how Chris and Rob always were though – teasing each other about who had the “more manly” scars (both had their operations within weeks of each other), who had the higher threshold for pain, and then in the same breathe Chris would tease Rob about “you know you want to spoon with me later.” Really, if you know a Hodo – then you know our warped senses of humor! But, it’s kind of nice to have Rob still tease like that though because it makes it kind of normal – kind of like one thing that didn’t have to change. You know – like we’re not pretending that Chris was different than what he was when he was still here.

Poetic Truths

About a month ago I received a brochure from the funeral home entitled “My Friend, I Care.” At that time I just put it aside because I didn’t want to read it at all. I just read it this morning before coming to the office. For anyone who has ever lost someone – I would strongly encourage you to read it and feel free to borrow mine.

The real reason I write about it though – there is a poem at the end that I want to share because I have never yet read anything so perfectly stated and truthful’. See, over the last nearly two months I have heard so many different expressions and sentiments – some wonderful, some that have made me go “huh?” – but ultimately I know everyone searches for the right thing to say – as you can see from this poem – stop searching, there are no right words, just great friendship – and I love all of those great friendships!


Don’t tell me that you understand
Don’t tell me that you know.
Don’t tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.

Don’t tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed,
That I am chosen for this task,
Apart from all the rest.

Don’t come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don’t tell me how my grief will pass
That I will soon be free.

Don’t stand in pious judgment
Of the bonds I must untie,
Don’t tell me how to suffer,
And don’t tell me how to cry.

My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see,
But I need you; I need your love,
Unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, “My friend, I care.”

Joanette Hendel
Bereavement Magazine

The Surprise is Over!!

This weekend was another whirlwind. Saturday was the Surprise 40th Family Birthday Party for my husband and his twin. Though it was not too much of a surprise, especially thanks to a last minute phone call on behalf of another about side jobs……it still went very well.

The perfect birthday cake!

The surprise for Rob was that my godparent’s entire immediate family was there – which he just appreciated so much. Beyond that, I had pulled together some picture boards – one for each of the twins, with pictures from when they were young, but mostly from over the past 6-7 years. Both of them loved the boards – which I was just thrilled about! And the boards will make another appearance this coming Saturday at the Friends Birthday Party (yes – there are two parties for such a momentous occasion!)

Rob with his new glasses

And, I will never be able to thank Nancy, Carol & Rick, and Aunt Janet so much for all of their help. This was the party that while I coordinated some efforts – these guys really came through and made it happen, while I have been planning the friends’ party.

This past week was definitely one of the more difficult weeks too since Chris is no longer in our lives. See, the day I took Chris to the hospital after Disney – we were sitting in the “pod” (treatment area) waiting for a bed to open up. We were there for hours on end and when he was awake – we would talk about all sorts of stuff. He had promised me that he would make it for this family party for Rob. Over this past week as plans were coming together there was many times where I just got upset because he wouldn’t be there. I guess really some of the finality of it all is setting in – the reality that I will never get to talk with him again, never get to make faces with each other and make fun of people, never even get to pick a fight or get frustrated with him because he was so stubborn all of the time. And mostly, I don’t get to talk with him anymore about things that are going on in my life, things going on in his – relationships, what our goals were for the future for ourselves and all of the things he and I talked about. It just sucks.

But, one of the amazing things – because my brother was the guy he was – he still got to get the last word in with Rob – he bought him a birthday gift while we were in Disney. I pulled it out and gave it to Rob on Sunday afternoon – it choked both of us up a bit. Chris had bought Rob a set of Disney World golf balls and a miniature golf bag tee holder that he can put on his golf bag.

So, with the family party - and the last thing that Chris promised me he would make - over, I would love to say that I have found my new normal in life – but it is still a work in progress – a day by day journey, and some days, it still is hour by hour. Rob mentioned yesterday that time is just flying by and before we know it, it will be Christmas – I asked him not to rush it – Christmas without Chris is not something that I am looking forward too. In the meantime, day by day will work and the celebrations along the way will still mean something just with a bittersweet moment – you know that moment where I can’t believe he isn’t here to laugh with me, cry with me, make faces with me and just stand by my side like we have done so many other times in our lives.

Answered Prayers

For those who read this blog and said their prayers – thank you. Jessi just called me to let me know that Mom passed away this morning, but not after having some moments of clarity in which to offer her love to her children and family.

Mom Honey – you will be missed.

Say a Little Prayer for Mom

I know everyone has different feelings about religion, prayer, etc. – but if you are reading this and believe, then please say a little prayer for Jessi’s mom. Jessi is my “sister by heart” and her mom is my “adopted” mom. Eight years ago she was diagnosed with a degenerative lung disease and told she had 6 months to 10 years – simply because she is so tiny and has so many different reactions to medicines. Last week, she went into the hospital and was told by the doctor that she is in the final stages of the disease. This woman has pulled more miracles then we can count and I pray that she is able to pull one more, but am just not sure this time. She now needs the Bypab machine with the full mask nearly 24 hours to keep her oxygen levels up and her carbon dioxide levels down and is not in her own senses much of the time which we are hoping is just based on the various medicines that she is on – but again have received different reasons for that as well. I went up there on Friday night to hug Jessi and to see her mom – Mom told me that she was talking with Chris and let me know that he is playing on a league!?!?

It is so hard to listen to Jessi on the phone because I hear the pain and the fear in her voice and just wish I could take that away from her. As we said the other day to each other – mine is not a club she wants to join – the one where you lose family members – I told her that I didn’t want her in my club either.

So please, everyone, say just a little prayer, that Mom pull just one more miracle, but that even if she cannot make it through this time that she gains her mind back enough for Jessi to talk with her just a little bit more.

The New "Normal"

It has been several weeks since adding an entry to this blog – mostly because my world has been put in a blender a few times and I am still not quite sure what to make of the result.

If you are reading this blog it means that you are either a good friend, someone with whom I want to share life’s journey with – or you simply stumbled upon it which means that you are merely a friend in the works! But this blog was never about being just Chris, it is about the stories that make up my life of which Chris was a major factor in, and so like everything else – this too will continue.

Over the last few weeks I have done everything possible to keep from thinking, though it is the one thing that I can’t get away from. Since my brother’s death I have planned his services, organized much of his belongings, been on the annual beach week trip, and yes, even went back to work. Through it all I just kept wondering how I was going to keep going without my brother there. As much as we could get on each other’s nerves (which we were very good!), he was always one of my closest friends. The person who I laughed with, cried with, shared dreams with, and turned too when I needed someone. My friend PC said it best – “it will never be normal again as you once knew it – you simply have to find your new “normal.” “

I have to be honest, I’m not enjoying looking for my new normal – I miss Chris so very much, and now that the services are done and life is “returning to normal” i.e. going to work each day, etc. I miss him more and more – and that empty space in my chest feels like such a big cavern right now. While we were at the beach I caught myself calling his cell phone a few times just to share some funny story with him. And though Rob has told me time and time again – you can still talk TO him, I very selfishly, want more – I want to talk WITH him.

What many of you may already know too is that while looking through Chris’s computer for pictures for the services, I came across a letter that he wrote to my family about one week prior to going on short-term disability in May. It was a letter that he wrote with the hopes that it would never be read – it was his last special message to each of us, my father, my brother, and me. In it he told me to please slow down – he said that I “make him dizzy.” I have just started to really think about this and know that in the coming weeks I will think about it more as I make my decisions for the next year, as Darren and I continue our discussions on the establishment of the cure cancer now! as a non-profit organization to help individuals like Chris – good living therefore no help for medical bills, and as I figure out what I really want with my own career.

For now though, I simply know that life will continue and I will eventually find what that new normal is supposed to be – but right now I mostly just want to lie in bed, cuddled up with Camelot (my cat – he’s back to sleeping on my head again!), and watch Sex and the City On Demand. So if I don’t return your phone call, please know that it is not that I don’t appreciate it – I do – I absolutely do, just sometimes, I am not quite up to talking – but I appreciate you calling still!

Arrangements

Arrangements for my brother, have been made. For those reading this blog, please pass them along to others who may need them.

All services are to be held at Evans Funeral Chapel on Harford Road in Parkville, Maryland

Viewings are Tuesday, July 1 from 3:00 Pm - 5:00 PM and again from 7:00 PM to 9:00 PM

The service will be held on Wednesday, July 2 at 11:00 AM, also at Evans

Graveside service will immediately follow the service at Gardens of Faith Cemetary (on Lillian Holt Drive).

Christopher's death notice will be placed on the website www.evansfuneralchapel.com

Because the obituary that we wanted to run may not actually run, I wanted to place it here for friends and family to have and forward:

Christopher Nicholas Hodorovich, 35

Chris was born on July 17, 1972 to proud parents Nicholas Dickinson Hodorovich and Judith Marie Hodorovich. Chris was born in Dayton, Ohio, moved with his family throughout the east coast, growing up predominantly in Chalfont, PA. Here he attended Unami Junior High School, and graduated from Central Bucks West in 1990. After high school, Chris began employment in the food services industry, working his way through the ranks into upper management. He began his career with Ruby Tuesdays Incorporation. Through his promotions, Chris moved to New Jersey and then on to Parkville, Maryland. Chris continued his career with Uno’s Chicago Grill after moving to Waldorf, Maryland.

Chris lost his battle to colon cancer on June 27 at 12:20 PM, but not after fighting valiantly for 18 months. Chris is preceded in death by his mother, Judith, and is survived by his loving father, Nicholas, his brother and sister-in-law, Darren and Sandy Hodorovich, two nephews, Corey and Jared, and his devoted sister and brother-in-law, Jennifer and Robert Ray, and his best friend Kip and his family.

Chris was a devoted life-long Baltimore Orioles fan, and Disney enthusiast.

Chris will be best remembered for his heart of gold and his unique sense of humor. No matter what the situation, he thought of others and did for others first. He could make people laugh with his odd sense of humor. His greatest dreams were to be able to go to Disney World with his family and help others. His dreams were fulfilled.

Chris, you are loved and will be missed more than you could ever have imagined.

In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations be sent to the American Cancer Society.

Friday, June 27, at 12:20 PM my brother passed away. He made it through the second phase of the pain pump surgery, but while he was in recovery he went into breathing problems and then his heart gave out due to complications with his cancer.

I will post service details as we make them.

Phase I is Complete

The first part of inserting the “pain pump” into my brother was completed on Tuesday morning. This involves putting the tube into his back between his vertebrae that the actual pump will be hooked up to. The second phase of the procedure to hook up the pump is still planned for tomorrow morning; however it is a tentative plan right now as my brother continues to rock between being in pain and being fairly looped up on the various concoctions of medications they are giving him. They have yet to figure out the “perfect balance.”

Right now the nursing staff is encouraging him to walk around more to both test his mobility as well as get him moving and not just sleeping all of the time; however he is still groggy much of the day. The only times he seems to not be groggy are the few moments between when the medicine is about to wear off and when the pain begins. His oncologist has previously said that with these pain medications the body actually has to adjust to them and after a while he will be able to function with them with less grogginess – here’s hoping that happens sooner than later!

As of right now, the plan is that he will be released this weekend, but as always, one day at a time because each day brings different news, last night they were thinking it wouldn’t be until later next week, and today they are back to saying this weekend!

A great big thanks to Tammy for keeping Chris’s kids (kittens) fed and loved during his extended stay away, and to Kristen for being the “ray of sunshine” last night with your visit. Makes me want to start singing “You are my sunshine” but then I would have to start routing for LSU – right Jeff?!?

Relay and No Radiation!

While this past weekend was spent with friends doing fun things – it was still another packed weekend – I am very excited for this coming weekend where we have no “out of town” visits planned – we can simply relax in our own relaxing way – i.e. spend time with friends on Saturday and the rest of the time get caught up around the house – and hopefully be able to find some little flowers to plant for my front stoop container garden (based on timing and cost – most likely only impatiens this year - next year I will get "fun with flowers" again!)

Friday night was the Cockeysville-Timonium Jaycees Relay for Life. It was fun – great to hang out with friends, and the irony of the location – to actually not talk about cancer for a few hours! I did set up my two luminaries – one in memory of mom and one in honor of Chris. We only stayed for a few hours and then headed to meet some friends for dinner and drinks before heading home to get some much needed sleep.

Saturday we were up early to pack and head to Salisbury to help their Jaycees with the Chicken Festival and then on to a night in Ocean City where Jeff was gracious enough to host us for the night! Funny, after leaving the chicken festival Rob and I both said that we didn’t want to even look at chicken for quite some time – so when we went to Harpoon Hanna’s in DE, we ordered wings – doh!!!

As for Chris, he continues to be at Hopkins as an inpatient. They are not foreseeing a release until later this week. More tests have been completed and we are beginning to get some answers though every one answer tends to raise more questions. They are starting to get his pain under control but every now and again he is having “pain attacks” – requiring higher doses. I think right now we could stop a rhinoceros with the amount of medication he is on. But, his best friend and family were able to make it down from PA this weekend to see him which helped raise his spirits some and I think helped him set a “fight resolve” a bit more!

Previously we were looking at radiation in his back specifically to reduce the pain so he could function and potentially not be in the wheelchair / scooter for mobility assistance. The concern with the radiation is that it would either delay the clinical trials and/or make him ineligible for some of them. Well, for good or bad, radiation has been ruled out as an option for the same reasons that it cannot be used for the rest of the cancer – even within his back region – the cancer has spread too much for the radiation to be of much use. On Friday / Saturday the doctor’s were considering a procedure where they would go into his back and deaden his nerves to the pain so that he simply wouldn’t feel it – again, the spread of cancer is too great to deaden that many nerves, and the preference is to not do the procedure if it will not work effectively enough. So, the current plan is to implant a “pain pump” into my brother’s back that will release the pain medication directly to the area where it is needed. He will also have a button to release higher does if necessary, which will also be placed under his skin. This will eliminate the need for the extent of the oral medication which was getting out of hand. The next steps continue to be the same – figure out which is the better option, clinical trials at Hopkins or see what CTCA has to say in Philly.

We also continue to look for apartments in the Parkville / White Marsh area that will allow my brother to keep his two cats (Palmer and Calvin – yes, he is a HUGE Orioles fan!) as well as provide ADA accessibility and be close enough that I can get there within a short period of time to help out with various items including any emergency visits to Hopkins since calling 9-1-1 would only put us at the wrong hospital and transfers between hospitals seem to be next to impossible to complete. The search continues!

Disney World - HodoRay Style!

After much advice from friends including giving it out myself as well to my own sister by heart - I think I had better keep up with this blog if for nothing else than to save my Verizon minutes - especially considering we are still on a limited budget after three months!!!

The Hodorovich - Ray family did what we never thought we would do - go on a real family vacation - not just the overnight trip to Atlantic City where we all slept in the car overnight (when it was still legal) to "shower" by jumping in the ocean the next day! We went on a real honest-to-goodness vacation. And, we all have my husband to thank for the planning (ahh...the irony that he did the planning!), and my own firm for coming through with the funds up front to pay for the trip (though re-payment is looming!!!).

The trip was planned because all my brother has ever wanted was to take a family trip to Disney World - no small task for a family that has never taken real family trips - but my "honey" made it happen. Last Monday, after much doubt since my brother had been in the hospital a week before, we all boarded the airplane. All being a total of 8 - my oldest brother and his wife and two children (almost 2 and 7), my brother Chris, my father, and my husband and I. We were certainly the eclectic group. The trip was great. Except for my brother Chris and my sister-in-law, none of us had been to Disney World (well, my father had stopped by the year it opened when he had a few spare moments in FL between missions - but shhh...I'm probably not supposed to know that!).

Anyway, we headed out on Monday, saw Animal Kingdom that night, and went on our whirlwind tour of Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, Epcot Center, Hollywood Studios, Disney Boardwalk, Downtown Disney, Typhoon Lagoon and the All-Star Resorts over the next 6 days. Being the ever-vigilant amateur photographer as I am (yes Kristen - I was entirely "TOO MUCH" this vacation), don't worry I took nearly 1,000 photos that we will be downloading and opening our home for a cookout / Disney slide show soon (figure August / September!).

While we were there, and thanks to connections through my college friends and Rob's contractor friend - we were able to receive many perks including priority seating at Fantasmic, at Illuminations and a very much sought after Reservation at Cinderella's Royal Table (did you all know that she is my favorite - blue and silver now have a meaning to you - think back a year and a half to a wedding!!).

Anyway, as seems to be the way these days until we can figure out how to get a bigger umbrella to cover ourselves from the cloud, we ended our vacation much as we began it - with uncertainty and a visit to the hospital.

For those unaware - one week prior to leaving, I drove to Waldorf to bring my brother up to Hopkins - however we were not able to make the trip - he was just not in a good enough condition - so we stopped at Southern Maryland Hospital. As I have shared with some close friends from that night- if you ever have a valued possession - I will certainly take care of it for you. See, I was trying to get Chris admitted through the ER as quickly as possible - he was having difficulty breathing and was in pain (the cancer has spread through his abdomen and affected lymph nodes are also in his back which we believe is the route of the pain - if you have ever had a pinched sciatic nerve, imagine that pain tenfold and constant). He did collapse in the ER waiting room and started retching. I got him rolled onto his side, but in the fall, his favorite Baltimore 's hat had fallen off and was now under his mouth - as is the case in situations like this, I focused on the random - all i could think about was moving that hat out from under his mouth - don't worry - I succeeded and saved the hat!

Anyway, after several days in the hospital, some doubt about him making the trip - he convinced all of us that he would make the trip because it was important. Well, all was well for the trip - Chris was able to make it out 6 of the 7 days to hang out at least for a few hours with the family. Sunday into Monday he was having difficulties and on Monday morning, the day we were to head back to Baltimore, we were instead heading to Florida Hospital - Celebration Village in an ambulance. Chris's pain had increased in combination with him not monitoring a very elaborate pain medication system (12 hour pills, 6 hour pills, 3 hour pills, 5 hour pills - even for the AR-OCD such as me it would have been a bit much!). He was released from the ER that evening and we returned to the hospital where Disney had comped our rooms for free because that is the class-act organization that they are.

We got new flights for the following day, arriving back in Baltimore after midnight. Wednesday I had set the appointment for my brother at Hopkins so that we could get everything checked out and look into a new pain management program as well as determine if it was in fact the cancer pushing on his back causing the problem. Wednesday morning he was in bad shape again so I took him in earlier than planned where he is currently admitted at the Hopkins Weinberg center. The silver lining is that this is probably the best place yet as the team has all of his records and know all of his medicines as they are the ones who have been treating him for the past 18 months. Currently they are trying to set up a new pain management plan - one that does not require "pill-popping" since he is not capable of monitoring that, and one that will actually get him to a comfort level that he can function. The next steps are to determine the source of the pan - if it is in fact cancer as everyone believes, then the next steps will be radiation for in his back. Radiation can not be used overall as his cancer is too wide-spread and the danger to the healthy cells and the side-effects far outweigh the benefits for non-tumor cancer (i.e. his cancer is spread throughout his lymph nodes in his entire abdominal region and he has recently developed nodes within his lungs as well). If the radiation works then it will alleviate the chronic pain and will hopefully boost his spirits to keep fighting harder. Of course, the radiation will eliminate him from some of the clinical trials that we have been researching lately, and will prolong his involvement with any other clinical trials - but having quality of life is more important at the moment.

As always - more questions than answers...but for the interim, he is in the best place possible at the moment, the next steps...manage the pain, find the cause, hopefully treat the cause, re-research the clinical trails for eligibility if radiation is used (he was only eligible for Stage I as it is - which is right out of the labs and into humans), look into Cancer Treatment Centers of America, talk with Jeff and get all legal paperwork resolved.

So, with the end of this post, I promise I will try to send out more updates as they become available - and it is not that I mind the phone calls, but trying to remember everyone that I have told, who need to know what, and still get my other daily tasks done (like actually work!), well, I invariably forget someone along the way - so please don't think that with this blog you can't call, can't ask questions - it's just going to be easier for me to keep everyone updated this way than any other!

And, I would be very remiss if I didn't thank some very special people who helped while we were "stranded in Disney" - first and foremost Peggy and PC for taking care of our "kids" so we had nothing to worry about (PS - we think you spoiled them very much - we have never seen them so mellow!!), Paul for coordinating so much and being there for his brother even just to say hi!, Cia for always being a leader a shoulder and mostly a friend, Kristen for getting the ball rolling with the right connections so that we had so much while in Disney, Katie and Mike for making things happen in Disney, Marie and Jessi for believing and helping the magic happen - and of course for being the women who inspire me and are always there for me, and of course, as always, my firm - for making things happen and understandings when the craziness takes over!

Good night - and never doubt that dreams do come true, sometimes we just need a little pixie dust - and some amazing friends to help us believe along the way!

The Worst Has Been Said......

….and now we pray for miracles! Another doctor’s appointment for my brother means another entry in my blog. Yesterday we had the follow up to August’s bad news. Over the last two weeks I kept thinking that it was all really a mistake because after all of the tests were complete the hospital never pushed for a quick appointment. Bad news means fast appointments, good news means you can schedule your appointment whenever and Chris scheduled his for whenever. Unfortunately it wasn’t a whenever – it was a “as soon as we could fit you in” a fact we weren’t aware of, and a fact that when missing gave us some hope about it.

So, the news: My brother has persistent, recurring cancer and it has spread to the point that it can not be surgically removed. He will start another round of chemotherapy. The chemotherapy will not cure the cancer but the idea is that it will shrink it to the point of being able to be surgically removed. His oncologist (very straight-forward no holds barred man) thinks that Chris is a long shot for ever being a candidate for surgery. The best case scenario – the chemo will work, the cancer will shrink and they will be able to remove it surgically, the worse case scenario is the chemo will not work at all and he will have several more months with us. The most probable (according to his doctor) scenario is that the chemo will work to the point of preventing or slowing further spread and will prolong his life for one to several years but will be what takes him from us.

I personally am opting for the best case scenario, which will need a lot of prayer and little faith in miracles – so if anyone reads this blog – please pray too!

CANcer CAN be Cured....

I have to believe that in my heart and pray for it every day! My last entry I wrote about my brother and how we were winding down from his treatments. I kept calling it his first round of treatment, but I knew in my heart that it would be his only round of treatment. His last day of treatment was July 17, 2007 – his 35th birthday. My husband and I planned a surprise birthday party for him and got all of my family to come to our house. It was a great event, and though only a short party (he was tired after a long day of treatment), a great time. After his party we had until August 14 for his follow up CT scan to find out how well this round of treatment went.

Well, considering this is August 16 when I am writing this – he had his CT scan. The cancer is still there, it’s bigger than it was in his first CT scan before he even had the treatment. CANcer CAN be cured! I believe it – I have to!!

Pins and Needles

Well, one resolution down the drain – trying to keep up with this blog!!

So without further ado, the latest happenings:

About Chris: The last time I wrote about Chris’s treatment was when he had the allergic reaction to one of his chemo drugs (oxy). After reviewing everything his oncologist decided to not even risk giving him this drug again even with pre-treatment of bendryl – he just felt that the risk of a more severe allergic reaction outweighed the increased effectiveness this chemo drug gave to his other chemo drugs. So, we shall see what happens from here with when he can finish his treatments (still planned for July 17 though). At this point, the very good news is that he has received two more treatments (June 19 and this past Tuesday – July 3). After reviewing all of his blood work – this past Tuesday was very much a surprise too! As of his June 19 treatment his count (has to be above 100 and usually healthy people are in the thousands) was at 105 – so he just tweaked by with getting his treatment in! We were all sure that he wouldn’t meet the minimums for this past treatment, but his blood count was at 107 – again, just tweaked by.

The biggest concern is that his next, and hopefully final, treatment is on his birthday. If he starts having the cumulative effects of receiving three treatments in a row like the nurses are predicting – then he won’t be able to get his last treatment in – and the only reason that throws such a wrench in everything is that Rob and I have been busy planning his surprise birthday party for that evening. I did already talk to all of his nurses and let them know that no matter what – they can’t let Chris leave until 4:15 PM at the earliest that day! They are all in cohorts with me, so hopefully, fingers crossed, it all works out. I do really, really hope that this will truly be his last treatment too – what a wonderful way to celebrate turning 35 then knowing that it is over for now!!!

Other than that – he is hanging in there with the side effects. Unfortunately, he seems to have developed hand and foot disorder (not to be confused with hoof and mouth disease – PC!!). It’s not neuropathy because that’s only attributed to the oxy which he is not taking anymore, but basically the nerves in his feet have deadened so he can no longer feel them. His hands have gone to pins and needles too – so we are just trying to get through this last treatment and as long as this new development doesn’t worsen to an extreme in the next two weeks, well then he will continue through the last treatment on schedule. And, again, hoping and praying that all of the feelings come back and the chemo didn’t forever kill his nerve endings (another fun potential side effect of this particular chemo – permanent nerve damage).

But, the end is in sight – we can see the light at the end of the tunnel and all of those other wonderful clichés that let us know we are almost through this particular journey. I feel like I should do the Scarlet O’Hara-ish scene – standing in the hospital cafeteria in front of Subway with a sandwich in my hand raised to the people working there and crying out – “I swear, I will never eat Subway again, neither me nor my loved ones – WE WILL NEVER EAT SUBWAY AGAIN!!!”

An update for the rest of my life: well, this entry has already gotten very lengthy – so in a nutshell – the Beach Week vacation was fine, nothing extraordinary but nothing too horrible either.

Other than that, I've stayed busy with work, Jaycees, decorating the renovated bathroom, planning Dad R’s surprise 70th birthday party, planning Chris’s surprise 35th birthday party, planning our own vacations, and figuring out when to demo and construct the upstairs bathroom. Monday I go in for my tests and will hopefully have all of the results within the week and can breathe easy, my godfather goes in for surgery on Tuesday (so they won’t be making the party!), and I’m still trying to plan for dinners with friends. That’s about everything in a nutshell!

Just another day in paradise

It's Wednesday! As of this past Monday night our basement bathroom has been remodeled!! Yeah! I shower has been installed, the toilet is back, a new sink is in, everything is tiled, and all is painted. Now, it's my turn to finish the touch-up work (some small spots on the walls that need touch-up when the pipe broke the other night in the middle of re-modeling, the baseboards, the doorframe, and cleaning!!).

But it's so nice to know that the bathroom is done - and nearly two weeks ahead of schedule! Now we just need to demo and re-build the upstairs bathroom - which is what started this whole mess in the first place! But, that we are going to wait until the second part of July to begin (maybe even August) since we leave on vacation in 10 days, come back to finish preparing for Dad R's surprise 70th birthday party the following week, preparing for Chris's surprise 35th birthday party the following week (with a golf tournament in the middle and a MDJC Exec meeting too), to having one week at home before we head down to the Outer Banks for a long weekend with his whole family (and I mean WHOLE family - siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles - I'm actually more excited for this vacation than for beach week!).

So for now, it's just another day in remodeling paradise!!

Heat Stroke? - Nope, just Allergies

Yesterday was another Chemo day. The day started out pretty much as usual. It is now at the point where I just make Chris’s appointments for him while he is going through treatment, especially since he never remembers when they are anyway and always calls me the Sunday of his Chemo weeks.

Well, I really thought I had a surefire way to get him to his appointment on time. His appointment was scheduled for 10:00 AM and I told him it was scheduled at 9:00 AM so he had to be to my house by 8:30 AM. Well, when all was said and done, we finally arrived at the hospital at 11:00 AM. So much for that tactic. Though I am using it again for his last three treatments and hopefully will have better results (I think I need to call him even earlier on the morning of his treatment to get his butt out the door!).

As I said, all went as planned, he had his blood work taken and it all looked good this time. Apparently a missed cycle of his chemo really helped out those platelet counts of his! He got hooked up and I waited until he was asleep. Right before he dozed off he started complaining about how hot it was in the treatment room – which I agreed, it was rather warm. About an hour into his treatment I left to go to the outpatient library and try to get some work done. Just as I was leaving I noticed that my brother’s face seemed very red. Unfortunately I attributed it to it being warm in the room.

Well, about an hour later I returned from the library to find that the nurses will all in a tither around my brother. Apparently, for some unknown reason, he has developed an allergic reaction to one of his chemotherapy drugs – the one in the mix that is supposed to make the others more effective. They managed to keep everything under control and rushed some Benedryl and some other medications into him to calm the reaction. So, his red face was not from heat, but rather from a rapidly worsening allergy. My advice to everyone, always ask questions even if they are “dumb” ones.

As far as my brother’s treatment, well, they are going to pre-treat him the next round with Benedryl and try the drug one more time. If he reacts again then they will just stop using that drug and potentially extend his treatment with the other drugs to ensure full potency of chemo in his body. The only part I am a little nervous about – the doctor said that this reaction is like a bee sting allergy – you know each time you get stung you react a little worse than the time before. I completely trust the staff at JHU to know what is best, but I sure as heck can’t wait to have this be a memory in the very near future!!!

Chemo Update and a New Cause in Life.....

Tuesday was a “Chemo Day.”

Side Note: Can I just take a moment to brag about my wonderful husband? He really is one of the “good ones.” Every morning he wakes up, goes downstairs and makes my coffee – only a half pot since he doesn’t drink any, and extra strong – just the way I like it. On the mornings that he is leaving as I’m supposed to be getting up (or really any day in which I hit snooze too many times) he comes upstairs to wake me up, say goodbye, and give me a kiss. Well, on “Chemo Days” he always makes a full pot of coffee knowing that my brother is on his way to the house and also drinks coffee. It’s those little things that I love so much. (Don’t worry – he’s not completely perfect and there are times when I could strangle him too!!)

Tuesday my brother showed up about two hours late. We rushed right to the hospital to see if they could still even fit us in for the treatment. Hopkins has this great program in which every patient is given a “credit card”. It’s a card with your name, and information imprinted into it and a magnetic strip that also contains the same information. As soon as you arrive you swipe the card at a kiosk in the main lobby. It provides you a print out of your schedule for the day. After that, every time you go to a new room or waiting area you swipe your card at the card-reader in that room. In this way, the hospital can track you no matter where you are, as well as ensure that no one is waiting for too long of a time anywhere (cough – yeah right!).

We arrived, my brother swiped his card and rather than a print out of his schedule, he received a notice to see the admittance / registration desk. As he was behind in paying off some of the medical expenses (those that exceeded what insurance covers) they required him to make a minimal payment prior to getting his treatment.

Unfortunately on Tuesday his platelet count was too low to receive treatment. It appears I jinxed myself last week. They will give him one cycle off and we go back in two more weeks to see if his platelet count has improved enough to get treatment. This also means that his last treatment date gets pushed back by one cycle which puts him to July 17 – his birthday. I am going to try and organize a surprise birthday party for him at our house for after his treatment (obviously he doesn’t know about this blog) but to make it a success means I have to depend on my family to show up – and given their lack of participation in this whole process to date, well, only time will tell. At least Rob and I can still have a cake for him or something!

As for my new cause……I really want to look into what financial support is out there for families going through major medical expenses such as chemotherapy treatments. When my mother went through it, it devastated my family financially. My parents were forced to claim bankruptcy to not lose the house, though we did lose the car through repossession, as well as many of our other possessions in the house. And now, I see my brother going through it and while insurance is helping out tremendously, he is still hit with hundred of dollars of medical bills each month. He is close, if not already at, his catastrophic limit, but he still has several months of bills to cover. Even the best of budgeters in this world would still have trouble covering not only their usual expenses but an additional $500 - $1,00 each month for 4-5 months in a row when they are unable to work all of their regular hours.

I know that there are many programs for individuals with limited income, but it seems that those who do make a good income and are living squarely in the middle class to upper middle class are the ones that seem hurt the most. These are the individuals who need the most help, specifically because neither the government nor society as a whole ever understands this class and the real economics behind it (i.e. look at the student loan program). So, if anyone is reading this and has ideas of a place for me to start my path on the cause, please give a shout out.

As for my brother, well, keep praying that in two more weeks he will be able to get his next treatment and we can keep cruising along through his last four treatments!

That 6-Letter Word!

It has been such a long time since I posted anything, but I have been inspired by reading through a friend’s blog to try and write more.

So here I am. It is the middle of May. My brother has been diagnosed with cancer for five months. I haven’t ever really told too many people about it, though I know through the grapevine most of my friends have found out. And, of course, through the ultimate grapevine several others have found out (catch me after two glasses of wine and ask what I’ve been up to lately and I tend to be very talkative. My apologies go to Lisa, Erica and Pam for finding out in such an unconventional way!). To my friends who I have not told directly, it’s not about not wanting you to know, simply not knowing how to bring it up (without the glass of wineJ).

I suppose some history. The Wednesday after Rob and I returned from our honeymoon my brother called me at work to tell me that he was in such pain he was going to the ER. I knew that he had been having pain in his side for a while, but he kept putting off going to a doctor because he thought it was just another hernia of some sort and didn’t have the time to make an appointment (yes, all Hodo’s are identical in their health-care mentality). The doctors were never able to determine 100% what was wrong with him, so they decided to do exploratory surgery in the area of his appendix. The surgery was finally scheduled for Monday morning. My brother was kept in the hospital through the weekend to take antibiotics and saline drips to ensure there was no infection when the surgery began.

That Monday my father and I went down to be with my brother before he went in for surgery and to hopefully take him home that night. I did have a sinking feeling when the surgery took longer than anticipated. Darren and his wife made the trip down and were waiting with Dad and me. Nothing however prepared me or my family for the six letter word that the doctor came into the room and told us. “He has cancer.” I listened, I asked questions, and I watched the look on everyone’s face around the room: shock, fear, incomprehension. The doctor walked out of the room. To this day I am ashamed to say that I walked out too. I say it was to call Rob and tell him the news and ask him to drive down. It wasn’t, though I did do those things. It was facing my greatest fear – those six letters being diagnosed in my family again. It was hearing it again and reliving the first time, no matter how young we all were back then, there are some moments in your life that you remember vividly. It was because I couldn’t be strong for my brother then and I didn’t want him to see me cry.

It was in January when Chris made the decision to do his treatment through Hopkins. He couldn’t start treatment until he healed from the surgery. We (my brother, his best friend and I) made the trek to Hopkins to talk with them about his actual prognosis, his treatment plan, and when we could get started. Unfortunately this proved to be another shocking day for us. The official cancer that Chris has is Stage III-C Colon Cancer. The survival rate with treatment is 50% for a five year period (5-years is simply the unit of measurement used in cancer statistics). But the good news, when they removed the tumor his margins looked pretty good.

Since then, Chris has started his chemotherapy treatment at Hopkins. His treatment is every other Tuesday and I am fortunate enough to work for a company that understands family values and allows me to take every other Tuesday off to be take my brother to his treatment. Our day consists of Chris driving to my house that morning, of which he is always late (Kristen and Chrisi, I am so sorry for all those years of tardiness – it drives me up the wall – though in my own defense, Chris is usually about 30-45 minutes late whereas I was always 10-15!). We head to the hospital to have his port accessed and blood work drawn to see if he is healthy enough to receive his chemo that day. Again, we have been very fortunate that he has been healthy enough every single time! Then we wait for about two hours for the lab to come back and actually tell us he is healthy enough. During that time we go to the cafeteria at the hospital and eat Subway. I can also tell you that after all of this is done – I don’t think that I will ever eat a Subway sandwich again. Then we go back and Chris gets hooked up for several hours, the home nurse shows up when that is over and hooks him to his 46 hour infusion of the final drug which he carries around in a fanny pack. At first he was staying with us for the two days until the home nurse showed up to unhook him. But now, he is feeling strong enough to drive home shortly after his treatment. (not to mention he gets to see his girlfirend at home whereas up here he just hangs with his brother-in-law)

As of writing this entry, he is hnadling treatment very well physically, though the last several treatments showed his blood work getting worse; it hasn't been bad enough to need to change the chemo-cocktail they prepare for him. The next round of blood work to pray for is in 8 days!

I guess through all of this the person who has been “shafted” the most is my own husband. He is the one who has received the full force of my mood swings from being upset at times to just angry at some of my brother’s reactions and of course, the lack of action / reaction from the rest of my family, especially my father.

Of course, having Rob in the hospital at the same time as the prognosis wasn’t fun either. Again,l as of writing this entry, Rob is doing well and we finally received the last blood results that his kidneys were back within the healthy range - though his glucose levels continue to be a problem, they are improving with a new type of medicine that his doctor gve him. Overall though, we can now just look back on his latest health issues as another experience, just as I am hoping and praying that all of this with Chris will just be something else that he and I can look back on and say, “hey, remember when we used to eat all those Subway sandwiches together!”

All Those Resolutions

2007 - A new year is underway. This is the time when we look back over the past year, view our mistakes, our triumphs, our successes, our losses. And then, armed with one more year of knowledge we forge ahead with a new set of resolutions, or an old set of resolutions with new resolve to accomplish them.

2006 was a wonderful, horrible, laughing, crying kind of a year. After all, there are 365 days in a year – how on earth could I describe all of those days with just one emotion.

So many things happened in 2006 from fights to weddings and so much more. The emotional roller coaster ran rampant, and yes, at times Ms. Bridezilla reared her head!

And now, after looking back over the moments that made up this past year of my life, I can look forward with resolve - resolve to:

- Run the Baltimore Half-Marathon, not to lose weight, not to live a healthier lifestyle, but simply because I want to add this feat to my list of life accomplishments, to know that I can do whatever I put my mind to and to prepare me for 2008 when I run the complete Baltimore Marathon! And mostly to enjoy the view along the trail!

- Live a healthier lifestyle which will help result in losing the excess pounds, but more importantly in toning my body, and in helping me to center my mind, body, and soul.

- Spend time with my family and friends. This is really the biggest priority. After ending a year in which my husband was diagnosed with Diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol; my father collapsed twice from diabetic shock (including on top of me at my own wedding reception); and my brother most recently being diagnosed with Stage 3 Lymphoma - I have learned over and over again that life is precious and we should never take any of it or the people in it for granted!

So for 2007, may we all stand by our resolutions, may we help others along the way, may we leave this world a little bit better at the end of the year than how we found it right now, and mostly, may we have the strength to know when to fight and when to lean on others!