For those who read this blog and said their prayers – thank you. Jessi just called me to let me know that Mom passed away this morning, but not after having some moments of clarity in which to offer her love to her children and family.
Mom Honey – you will be missed.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Say a Little Prayer for Mom
I know everyone has different feelings about religion, prayer, etc. – but if you are reading this and believe, then please say a little prayer for Jessi’s mom. Jessi is my “sister by heart” and her mom is my “adopted” mom. Eight years ago she was diagnosed with a degenerative lung disease and told she had 6 months to 10 years – simply because she is so tiny and has so many different reactions to medicines. Last week, she went into the hospital and was told by the doctor that she is in the final stages of the disease. This woman has pulled more miracles then we can count and I pray that she is able to pull one more, but am just not sure this time. She now needs the Bypab machine with the full mask nearly 24 hours to keep her oxygen levels up and her carbon dioxide levels down and is not in her own senses much of the time which we are hoping is just based on the various medicines that she is on – but again have received different reasons for that as well. I went up there on Friday night to hug Jessi and to see her mom – Mom told me that she was talking with Chris and let me know that he is playing on a league!?!?
It is so hard to listen to Jessi on the phone because I hear the pain and the fear in her voice and just wish I could take that away from her. As we said the other day to each other – mine is not a club she wants to join – the one where you lose family members – I told her that I didn’t want her in my club either.
So please, everyone, say just a little prayer, that Mom pull just one more miracle, but that even if she cannot make it through this time that she gains her mind back enough for Jessi to talk with her just a little bit more.
It is so hard to listen to Jessi on the phone because I hear the pain and the fear in her voice and just wish I could take that away from her. As we said the other day to each other – mine is not a club she wants to join – the one where you lose family members – I told her that I didn’t want her in my club either.
So please, everyone, say just a little prayer, that Mom pull just one more miracle, but that even if she cannot make it through this time that she gains her mind back enough for Jessi to talk with her just a little bit more.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
The New "Normal"
It has been several weeks since adding an entry to this blog – mostly because my world has been put in a blender a few times and I am still not quite sure what to make of the result.
If you are reading this blog it means that you are either a good friend, someone with whom I want to share life’s journey with – or you simply stumbled upon it which means that you are merely a friend in the works! But this blog was never about being just Chris, it is about the stories that make up my life of which Chris was a major factor in, and so like everything else – this too will continue.
Over the last few weeks I have done everything possible to keep from thinking, though it is the one thing that I can’t get away from. Since my brother’s death I have planned his services, organized much of his belongings, been on the annual beach week trip, and yes, even went back to work. Through it all I just kept wondering how I was going to keep going without my brother there. As much as we could get on each other’s nerves (which we were very good!), he was always one of my closest friends. The person who I laughed with, cried with, shared dreams with, and turned too when I needed someone. My friend PC said it best – “it will never be normal again as you once knew it – you simply have to find your new “normal.” “
I have to be honest, I’m not enjoying looking for my new normal – I miss Chris so very much, and now that the services are done and life is “returning to normal” i.e. going to work each day, etc. I miss him more and more – and that empty space in my chest feels like such a big cavern right now. While we were at the beach I caught myself calling his cell phone a few times just to share some funny story with him. And though Rob has told me time and time again – you can still talk TO him, I very selfishly, want more – I want to talk WITH him.
What many of you may already know too is that while looking through Chris’s computer for pictures for the services, I came across a letter that he wrote to my family about one week prior to going on short-term disability in May. It was a letter that he wrote with the hopes that it would never be read – it was his last special message to each of us, my father, my brother, and me. In it he told me to please slow down – he said that I “make him dizzy.” I have just started to really think about this and know that in the coming weeks I will think about it more as I make my decisions for the next year, as Darren and I continue our discussions on the establishment of the cure cancer now! as a non-profit organization to help individuals like Chris – good living therefore no help for medical bills, and as I figure out what I really want with my own career.
For now though, I simply know that life will continue and I will eventually find what that new normal is supposed to be – but right now I mostly just want to lie in bed, cuddled up with Camelot (my cat – he’s back to sleeping on my head again!), and watch Sex and the City On Demand. So if I don’t return your phone call, please know that it is not that I don’t appreciate it – I do – I absolutely do, just sometimes, I am not quite up to talking – but I appreciate you calling still!
If you are reading this blog it means that you are either a good friend, someone with whom I want to share life’s journey with – or you simply stumbled upon it which means that you are merely a friend in the works! But this blog was never about being just Chris, it is about the stories that make up my life of which Chris was a major factor in, and so like everything else – this too will continue.
Over the last few weeks I have done everything possible to keep from thinking, though it is the one thing that I can’t get away from. Since my brother’s death I have planned his services, organized much of his belongings, been on the annual beach week trip, and yes, even went back to work. Through it all I just kept wondering how I was going to keep going without my brother there. As much as we could get on each other’s nerves (which we were very good!), he was always one of my closest friends. The person who I laughed with, cried with, shared dreams with, and turned too when I needed someone. My friend PC said it best – “it will never be normal again as you once knew it – you simply have to find your new “normal.” “
I have to be honest, I’m not enjoying looking for my new normal – I miss Chris so very much, and now that the services are done and life is “returning to normal” i.e. going to work each day, etc. I miss him more and more – and that empty space in my chest feels like such a big cavern right now. While we were at the beach I caught myself calling his cell phone a few times just to share some funny story with him. And though Rob has told me time and time again – you can still talk TO him, I very selfishly, want more – I want to talk WITH him.
What many of you may already know too is that while looking through Chris’s computer for pictures for the services, I came across a letter that he wrote to my family about one week prior to going on short-term disability in May. It was a letter that he wrote with the hopes that it would never be read – it was his last special message to each of us, my father, my brother, and me. In it he told me to please slow down – he said that I “make him dizzy.” I have just started to really think about this and know that in the coming weeks I will think about it more as I make my decisions for the next year, as Darren and I continue our discussions on the establishment of the cure cancer now! as a non-profit organization to help individuals like Chris – good living therefore no help for medical bills, and as I figure out what I really want with my own career.
For now though, I simply know that life will continue and I will eventually find what that new normal is supposed to be – but right now I mostly just want to lie in bed, cuddled up with Camelot (my cat – he’s back to sleeping on my head again!), and watch Sex and the City On Demand. So if I don’t return your phone call, please know that it is not that I don’t appreciate it – I do – I absolutely do, just sometimes, I am not quite up to talking – but I appreciate you calling still!
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