The New "Normal"

It has been several weeks since adding an entry to this blog – mostly because my world has been put in a blender a few times and I am still not quite sure what to make of the result.

If you are reading this blog it means that you are either a good friend, someone with whom I want to share life’s journey with – or you simply stumbled upon it which means that you are merely a friend in the works! But this blog was never about being just Chris, it is about the stories that make up my life of which Chris was a major factor in, and so like everything else – this too will continue.

Over the last few weeks I have done everything possible to keep from thinking, though it is the one thing that I can’t get away from. Since my brother’s death I have planned his services, organized much of his belongings, been on the annual beach week trip, and yes, even went back to work. Through it all I just kept wondering how I was going to keep going without my brother there. As much as we could get on each other’s nerves (which we were very good!), he was always one of my closest friends. The person who I laughed with, cried with, shared dreams with, and turned too when I needed someone. My friend PC said it best – “it will never be normal again as you once knew it – you simply have to find your new “normal.” “

I have to be honest, I’m not enjoying looking for my new normal – I miss Chris so very much, and now that the services are done and life is “returning to normal” i.e. going to work each day, etc. I miss him more and more – and that empty space in my chest feels like such a big cavern right now. While we were at the beach I caught myself calling his cell phone a few times just to share some funny story with him. And though Rob has told me time and time again – you can still talk TO him, I very selfishly, want more – I want to talk WITH him.

What many of you may already know too is that while looking through Chris’s computer for pictures for the services, I came across a letter that he wrote to my family about one week prior to going on short-term disability in May. It was a letter that he wrote with the hopes that it would never be read – it was his last special message to each of us, my father, my brother, and me. In it he told me to please slow down – he said that I “make him dizzy.” I have just started to really think about this and know that in the coming weeks I will think about it more as I make my decisions for the next year, as Darren and I continue our discussions on the establishment of the cure cancer now! as a non-profit organization to help individuals like Chris – good living therefore no help for medical bills, and as I figure out what I really want with my own career.

For now though, I simply know that life will continue and I will eventually find what that new normal is supposed to be – but right now I mostly just want to lie in bed, cuddled up with Camelot (my cat – he’s back to sleeping on my head again!), and watch Sex and the City On Demand. So if I don’t return your phone call, please know that it is not that I don’t appreciate it – I do – I absolutely do, just sometimes, I am not quite up to talking – but I appreciate you calling still!