One Month - Many Adventures

In the month since my last post I have had so many adventures on the east coast, the west coast and with friends. Below are just a few pics to share the happy times.

Car Wash to raise money for the Community

First O's game since I went with Chris - thank goodness for good friends to share the day with!

Another golf tournament - what great teammates - this was their version of helping me read the green!

Both of our golf tournament foursomes - did I mention there were margaritas on the course!

San Diego sunset in La Jolla

San Diego TOYA event

Camping in beautiful Frederick, MD

Going with other Jaycees to Gaithersburg to help kids in the community paint pumpkins gearing up for the Fall!

After this past month...even the cats are exhausted!

But despite all of the trips and all of the adventures - sometimes you need a little sign from above.....I got off the airport shuttle at BWI in the Long Term lot, turned around and saw this in the sky welcoming me home again!

First Birthday...Memory

My first birthday without Chris has come and gone (28 again – I swear!). Ironically it wasn’t my actual birthday that bothered me so much it was two days later as I spent my Labor Day cleaning the house, filing paperwork, trying to get things organized that haven’t been organized pretty much since May as we kept just moving things around in different locations through each “life moment” that happened. Rob was working the fair which left me home to my own devices, and my own thoughts…….

Every year Chris invariably forgot my birthday and it would be a day or two afterwards that I would call him up and say – “nice job a**hole – you forgot my birthday again – so what are you going to buy me!!” And just about every year – at least from when I was 14 through about 24 – he promised to take me shopping. Which then became one of our many jokes - he even started doing it for Christmas at times….or at least telling me that when I would ask him what he was going to buy me for Christmas since I was his most favorite sister in the whole world!

My 18th birthday he did actually buy me something and he bought it about a week and a half early. Of course, that is only because I was at the mall (this was when he still worked at Ruby Tuesday’s in Montgomery Mall, PA) and I asked him how much money he was planning on spending on me for my birthday. I told him that I found a terry cloth bathrobe that I wanted and since I was leaving for college that weekend and needed one there – he should just give me the money to go buy it. He did that – I went off and bought it then gave him the bag to wrap it up for me - heh. This of course resulted in him throwing some napkins from the restaurant in the bag as tissue paper and giving it right back to me since I was the one who always wrapped his gifts for him!

And of course, my 21st birthday he had a gift as well. For my 21st birthday, my dad, both brothers and my godparents all chipped in for a limo to go to Atlantic City – timed so that I would walk onto the casino floor at the stroke of midnight as I turned 21. When each of us turned 21 dad took us to go gamble for the first time – since I was the youngest, when I turned 21 we went all out! I remember that Darren bought me a bottle of Dom Perignon for the occasion and Chris, in usual Chris fashion, bought me just about everything else he could find. There was a case of beer, there was Aftershock, there was the liquor that is chocolate on one side and cream on the other and you pour it out together, and there was champagne. Of course Chris had to ask me later whose champagne I liked better. I had to admit I preferred his $15 bottle over the $200 bottle – what can I say – I’m a cheap date (Rob and I even had $5 bottle Verdi as our official champagne toast at our wedding!) Of course, Chris being Chris used that to let me know that it was just really because he was the better brother!

There are my moments now when I still can’t believe that it is true – when I feel like this has all just been a horrible dream and Chris and I are just in another phase of our lives where we aren’t talking as much as usual. Chris and I used to talk about that on Tuesdays – how he kept hoping that it was all just a dream, that any morning he would wake up and realize that this whole “cancer-thing” had just been another nightmare he had and everything would be fine. I used to tell him that he didn’t need to wake up – that everything really would be fine someday – we just had to go through this crap to get there. He would tell me that his one nurse would ask him how he was coping with having “incurable cancer” and I would get so angry that she dared say that – there was no such thing as incurable, simply just not finding the right “chemo-cocktail” yet – ironic considering I was the one telling people to not live with regrets because I was trying to get others more involved. Now I just have to tell myself over and over that this isn’t really my own bad dream that I can wake up from, that it really has happened and as much as I secretly hope that this whole summer has just been another of my nightmares, that I know it’s really not.

Another August Birthday Celebration

Last night was another August Birthday celebration – we celebrated my nephew turning two! Unfortunately Unkie Rob (as Jared calls him) couldn't make the trip to PA to celebrate based on some side work – but the gifts were still very well received…..or as Jared said…”presents..mine, mine, mine!”

Below are some photos from the night. Grandpop Hodo gave a Thomas the train engine and some clothes, Pop-Pop and Mom-Mom gave clothes, and Unkie Rob and I gave a “mocha-nanny” Jared’s term for motorcycle and some clothes. True to a two year old – the clothes were pretty much thrown aside and the toys played with immediately!

Anxiously awaiting the birthday cake!

Yeah - birthday cake!

Unwrapping his "mocha-nanny"!

Everyone needs a super-hero!

And even more Jack Daniels!

Another weekend, another birthday party and another supply of Jack Daniels to take home with us (though slightly depleted by the end of the day as we “fed the masses” during the party!!)

All that Jack!

I would definitely have to say that good times were had by all. Rob had the chance to hang out with friends we see often, and many that we haven’t had the chance to catch up with in quite some time. I asked him if his 40th birthday was everything he expected it to be and he told me that it was even better!! Of course we laughed about the fact that he really got a total of almost four birthday parties – between the two that I threw, the impromptu party at the bar the night of his actual birthday, and everyone celebrating with him all during the Jaycee Convention!

Yes - that is the birthday cake!

Rob and Kristen - "no relation"!

A Ray sandwich!

Rob with his godson - he's finding all of the grey!!!

Alec wanted to take pictures - Jen style!

So with his birthday celebration extravaganza over – it is time to start gearing up for some more fun and activity – tonight we are celebrating my nephew’s second birthday and this Saturday will be my own birthday celebration (turning 28 again!) though I am still not sure of the big plans other than to know that at some point I will be at the State Fair as is my birthday week tradition (cheesy and hokey and I LOVE IT!!!). And the activity is to get the house under control again – this year I didn’t quite get around to taking care of my lawn the way I like to, so the backyard is now no longer grass – more just weeds some crab grass and lots of clover!

On Sunday we actually decided to relax for a little bit after finishing cleaning from the party. Our original plans were to head to Waldorf to take care of some things – but I think after we went out to get our tents and help with final cleaning from the party we were both about ready to just collapse! I went to the cemetery for a while to take over my Sunday flowers to Chris and just to talk for a bit. It is very peaceful over there and is one of the few places where I can actually feel a little bit whole again. Of course Rob teased me about taking so many flowers over to Chris saying he is going to start wondering about him……that was how Chris and Rob always were though – teasing each other about who had the “more manly” scars (both had their operations within weeks of each other), who had the higher threshold for pain, and then in the same breathe Chris would tease Rob about “you know you want to spoon with me later.” Really, if you know a Hodo – then you know our warped senses of humor! But, it’s kind of nice to have Rob still tease like that though because it makes it kind of normal – kind of like one thing that didn’t have to change. You know – like we’re not pretending that Chris was different than what he was when he was still here.

Poetic Truths

About a month ago I received a brochure from the funeral home entitled “My Friend, I Care.” At that time I just put it aside because I didn’t want to read it at all. I just read it this morning before coming to the office. For anyone who has ever lost someone – I would strongly encourage you to read it and feel free to borrow mine.

The real reason I write about it though – there is a poem at the end that I want to share because I have never yet read anything so perfectly stated and truthful’. See, over the last nearly two months I have heard so many different expressions and sentiments – some wonderful, some that have made me go “huh?” – but ultimately I know everyone searches for the right thing to say – as you can see from this poem – stop searching, there are no right words, just great friendship – and I love all of those great friendships!


Don’t tell me that you understand
Don’t tell me that you know.
Don’t tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.

Don’t tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed,
That I am chosen for this task,
Apart from all the rest.

Don’t come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don’t tell me how my grief will pass
That I will soon be free.

Don’t stand in pious judgment
Of the bonds I must untie,
Don’t tell me how to suffer,
And don’t tell me how to cry.

My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see,
But I need you; I need your love,
Unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, “My friend, I care.”

Joanette Hendel
Bereavement Magazine

The Surprise is Over!!

This weekend was another whirlwind. Saturday was the Surprise 40th Family Birthday Party for my husband and his twin. Though it was not too much of a surprise, especially thanks to a last minute phone call on behalf of another about side jobs……it still went very well.

The perfect birthday cake!

The surprise for Rob was that my godparent’s entire immediate family was there – which he just appreciated so much. Beyond that, I had pulled together some picture boards – one for each of the twins, with pictures from when they were young, but mostly from over the past 6-7 years. Both of them loved the boards – which I was just thrilled about! And the boards will make another appearance this coming Saturday at the Friends Birthday Party (yes – there are two parties for such a momentous occasion!)

Rob with his new glasses

And, I will never be able to thank Nancy, Carol & Rick, and Aunt Janet so much for all of their help. This was the party that while I coordinated some efforts – these guys really came through and made it happen, while I have been planning the friends’ party.

This past week was definitely one of the more difficult weeks too since Chris is no longer in our lives. See, the day I took Chris to the hospital after Disney – we were sitting in the “pod” (treatment area) waiting for a bed to open up. We were there for hours on end and when he was awake – we would talk about all sorts of stuff. He had promised me that he would make it for this family party for Rob. Over this past week as plans were coming together there was many times where I just got upset because he wouldn’t be there. I guess really some of the finality of it all is setting in – the reality that I will never get to talk with him again, never get to make faces with each other and make fun of people, never even get to pick a fight or get frustrated with him because he was so stubborn all of the time. And mostly, I don’t get to talk with him anymore about things that are going on in my life, things going on in his – relationships, what our goals were for the future for ourselves and all of the things he and I talked about. It just sucks.

But, one of the amazing things – because my brother was the guy he was – he still got to get the last word in with Rob – he bought him a birthday gift while we were in Disney. I pulled it out and gave it to Rob on Sunday afternoon – it choked both of us up a bit. Chris had bought Rob a set of Disney World golf balls and a miniature golf bag tee holder that he can put on his golf bag.

So, with the family party - and the last thing that Chris promised me he would make - over, I would love to say that I have found my new normal in life – but it is still a work in progress – a day by day journey, and some days, it still is hour by hour. Rob mentioned yesterday that time is just flying by and before we know it, it will be Christmas – I asked him not to rush it – Christmas without Chris is not something that I am looking forward too. In the meantime, day by day will work and the celebrations along the way will still mean something just with a bittersweet moment – you know that moment where I can’t believe he isn’t here to laugh with me, cry with me, make faces with me and just stand by my side like we have done so many other times in our lives.

Answered Prayers

For those who read this blog and said their prayers – thank you. Jessi just called me to let me know that Mom passed away this morning, but not after having some moments of clarity in which to offer her love to her children and family.

Mom Honey – you will be missed.

Say a Little Prayer for Mom

I know everyone has different feelings about religion, prayer, etc. – but if you are reading this and believe, then please say a little prayer for Jessi’s mom. Jessi is my “sister by heart” and her mom is my “adopted” mom. Eight years ago she was diagnosed with a degenerative lung disease and told she had 6 months to 10 years – simply because she is so tiny and has so many different reactions to medicines. Last week, she went into the hospital and was told by the doctor that she is in the final stages of the disease. This woman has pulled more miracles then we can count and I pray that she is able to pull one more, but am just not sure this time. She now needs the Bypab machine with the full mask nearly 24 hours to keep her oxygen levels up and her carbon dioxide levels down and is not in her own senses much of the time which we are hoping is just based on the various medicines that she is on – but again have received different reasons for that as well. I went up there on Friday night to hug Jessi and to see her mom – Mom told me that she was talking with Chris and let me know that he is playing on a league!?!?

It is so hard to listen to Jessi on the phone because I hear the pain and the fear in her voice and just wish I could take that away from her. As we said the other day to each other – mine is not a club she wants to join – the one where you lose family members – I told her that I didn’t want her in my club either.

So please, everyone, say just a little prayer, that Mom pull just one more miracle, but that even if she cannot make it through this time that she gains her mind back enough for Jessi to talk with her just a little bit more.